"welcome to the real world, it sucks!"=]
oh and recently ive been talking about my boyfriend alot. sorry if that annoys you...he makes me happier than i have been for a while so i enjoy telling people all about it!
i have decided to make this the year of emily. i’m so done with getting angry, i know i have a problem with it and i’m learning how to deal with it. that being said i’m done with allowing things to anger me even if they truly deserve me anger. sometime i feel people just deserve to get yelled at - some people don’t truly understand until you do yell at them. And thats whats going to be hardest i think. theres a certain satisfaction that come with yelling at someone. there’s also a certain satisfaction with knowing you have the power to truly scare someone. thats a power that is scary on both our ends.
i dont want to be angry, i’m not an angry person. the littlest thing can make me happy. seeing and petting a dog can literally make my whole day. but then one tiny little thing happens and my view of the days has changed. why is that? and why do i let it happen? and then why do i let myself get annoyed because i just let myself get angry over something little? what the actual fuck is this process.
im swear i’ll get a handle on it someday.
the weirdest thing of all is that i know i have this problem, close friends know i know i have this problem, my friend is very much aware i know i have this problem (bless his soul). but why doesn’t my family know? what is keeping them from understanding i have this little slight anger issue? its not like they are in denial, because i don’t know i don’t think its anything to be ashamed of really. instead they instigate. they recently told me “its funny its to easy to make you mad.” really funny guys. what they don’t understand is that they just ruined my whole day. i wasn’t just casually mad for a minute. I was angry and with an actual legitimate reason to be angry (which is the worst and most powerful form of anger, i have learned). what is so funny about that? even when i try to tell them, nothing. i’m not here to further rant about my family because, lets face it, i have twitter for that. i’m just genuinely curious to find the reasoning behind it all. its not even my goal to get them to understand, because after 22 years its a lost cause and i’m okay with that. just why do they think its funny, what is it that they dont understand about someone they have literally known and watch grow for 22 years?
if you think about, human interaction is one of the coolest and weirdest situations to observe. As a soon to be teacher, I have a habit of observing body movement and interactions casually throughout the day and its one of the most enjoyable games i play. but i have realize - finally- that i should really get a grip on myself first. Theres a lot i dont know about myself and a lot of slight adjustments i need to make in order to be a better me. and writing really really calms me down, it always has. its the only way i have ever been able to (somewhat) clearly describe my emotions.
so this is it, tumblr friends, im back.
(lol that ending was so dramatic i felt like gossip girl….)
well im glad i started using tumblr again yesterday bc today i told my sister my deepest darkest secret and cried so hard thanks to mary ann that i could vom at any second. i dont think ill ever be out of this anxiety attack and didnt realize how much i depended on thomas for my mental stability. im so worried about myself and so thankful to have colleen in my life.
for once i literally just can’t.